Integrating your Black Swan

Happy beginning of Autumn. Must be the season of the witch. Autumn is the season of transformation and new beginnings. Now- Virgo season just ended, so if you had any urges to declutter or do a cleanse of any sort that you haven’t had “time” to do yet, do it now! This is the energy Virgo asks of us for a reason. We just entered Libra, the ruler of balance and integration. So as long as we are honoring our shadow we should be feeling pretty good right now. (If you aren’t honoring your shadow- this essay will help.) Soon we are entering Scorpio my favvvooorite energy of all. Fall is my favorite season and of course Halloween is my favorite holiday so I was inspired to write about my Halloween costume this year- Black Swan.

Are you ready to love your dark side?

Happy Mercurial Monday on a Wednesday!

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You die when you don’t give your dark side the attention she demands.

No you won’t die immediately or fast or violently but you will bleed out slowly. Boring-ly. Normal-ly. Dripping life force into everyone else’s bag. As if in .25x speed you will watch yourself become enveloped in the demands of everyone else.

You have to give yourself back to yourself by becoming a little bit more “bad”. (Or a lot a bit, maybe. Different strokes)

Integrating the shadow is part of becoming fully realized. Fully expanded. Final form. Your final form is your most magnetic, joyful, healthy, glowing, authentic and expressive version of you and this is where you belong. This powerful version of you has - not only shone the light of awareness on her darkest, most suppressed aspects of herself - but also has accepted them fully and now loves them. 

We are so scared to admit our faults to ourselves. We are scared to admit that we are selfish. Jealous. Angry. Sad. Scared. Lazy. Ugly. Mean. Judgmental. Timid. And that sometimes we want to be these things but don’t allow them to come forward. We repress them. Guess what - we all are all of these things. If any of these words specifically struck a cord with you, that is probably one of your shadows. And it's dope. 

Roll the film.

In the movie Black Swan Natalie Portman’s character, Nina, is dedicated to perfection (always an illusion, of course, but she is gunning for it hard). She is a professional ballerina in New York City. She dances with a prolific company but she won’t be sated until she is the star; until she receives the validation from her external world that she is indeed perfect in every way and she is indeed the best there ever was! Maybe then she will finally feel content with herself, right?! ;)

Her technique is flawless. She is polished. She is controlled. She is the goodest girl in the whole company without a doubt. She is pretty and sweet and hardworking and small and quiet and good.

Nina represents the collective feminine urge towards the male crafted ideal of perfection. The innate, but defensive, proclivity to be palatable. Because what is more palatable than the cultural standard of perfection. We prove to the world, through action and achievement, that we are worthy. We unconsciously tie our worth to the level at which we can perform. If we fail, we are a failure. If we succeed, we are successful. No?

When Nina wins the coveted role of the Swan Queen in her company’s rendition of Swan Lake her director emphasizes that she needs to be able to embody both the White Swan and the Black Swan for the role.

Now- around this same time the company also hires a new dancer named Lily.

Under high pressure from her own internalized standard of quality and her insistent self-drawn comparisons with the beautiful ingénue, Nina begins to crack. She cannot dance the Black Swan at the level that her director is demanding of her. He is demanding her to be more sensual, less mechanical- more like Lily. Instead of resting or slowing down like her body is begging of her, Nina fights the fear of failure with harder work. More emphasis on perfect technique. Longer hours in the studio. 

During Nina’s descent into madness. Lily is ascending into the awareness of the company and the director. Lily lacks technique, her moves are unrefined. She lacks professionalism; she shows up late to rehearsals and smokes cigarettes in the studio. Nina is strongly averse to Lily’s way of being. But Lily dances beautifully- uninhibited. Her dancing portrays the fluidity that Nina needs to be able to channel for her Black Swan dance but cannot. Nina becomes deeply jealous of the director's infatuation with Lily.

Aversions and jealousy are the secret portals into the shadow. Anywhere in your life where someone acts in a way that triggers you is reflecting your shadow back to you. When you have strong aversions, there is deep work to be done. The interesting thing about the psyche is that these places of resistance show us the desire for integration. When we judge and oppose something so hard, we actually crave to allow ourselves to do or to be that same thing. It is not always literal, but it is always related.

Now back to the movie!

Tensions are also growing between Lily and her mother at this time. Lily still lives with her mother and remains on the tight leash that her mother keeps her on. She works to keep her mother happy although she deep down views her mother as a failure. (Erica was a professional ballerina herself but never became a “star.” Mostly because she got pregnant with Nina… mother wounds!) Her mother symbolizes everything she does not want to be. Yet she still stays in the cage her mother has around her. Another aversion. Another shadow.

After months of rehearsal, Nina has become unhinged. Her relationship to reality becomes fragmented. She is no longer able to distinguish real from imaginary. On the premier night of Swan Lake Nina gives every final shred of attention and coherence to the performance. She embodies the Black Swan. In fact she becomes the Black Swan.

In her performance she lets go entirely. She is sensual and uninhibited. And in moments-she is evil.

It is also easy for her to fall back into her nature, she dances the White Swan beautifully as well, something that was never a challenge for her. 

SPOILER I AM GONNA TALK ABOUT THE END OF THE MOVIE BECAUSE THIS TIES EVERYTHING TOGETHER QUITE NICELY.

In the final scene of the movie she dances the graceful, sweet White Swan one last time with effervescence unparalleled. Then falls to her death.

I believe her death to be figurative- like the Death card in the tarot.

Her death represents the death of her old self.

The death of the girl who is always striving for perfection.

The death of the shackled, small, sweet version of herself that has been suffocating her internal Black Swan.

This version of her had to die.

So that she can live. In totality. In truth.

Every ending is a new beginning, the more treacherous and dramatic, the better

The White Swan must die so that the fully integrated, final form of Nina can live. She becomes the star that she always wanted to become when she accepts that she is not perfect. She is a woman.

But “just a woman” is the most powerful and beautiful thing to ever exist.

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